Four months into my fitness journey and so much has been accomplished. The biggest accomplishment is the success of me and my husbands social group, #WOOFpack: Gay Men’s Fitness & Active Adventure Tribe. What started as 4 guys has turned into 30 guys with great participation rates!
Since I have written last we have had two fun runs, multiple gym meet ups and now a few of us are doing a two week hot yoga challenge on top of our 6-8 gym visits a week! Things have been a little nuts to be honest schedule wise which is why I have been doing less writing and more doing.
While beautiful things are happening I felt the urge to write today because I had to remind myself of what has been going on. Under these announcements of cheer and happy news, the truth is I’m FREAKING EXHAUSTED It’s extremely tough to remain possitive everyday. Especially when your trying to be possitive for yourself and other people around you.
Make no mistake while this group and these results give me joy, I still suffer from anxiety/depression. Sometimes when that alarm goes off I cannot stand the idea of facing the day. Sometimes my husband has to spend a half hour trying to get me out of bed. Sometimes I can’t enjoy my workout because I’m so focused on how horrible my anxiety makes me feel. Sometimes I feel so incredibly ugly and disgusting that I look in the mirror and think “you look like an inbred Stay Puft Marshmellow Man” and it makes me want to cry.
The point of it is, is it’s not easy changing who you are, even with friends even with meds, even with a supportive and loving husband. You have to find strength inside yourself everyday. You don’t find strength one day and everything is smooth sailing from that day forward, NO you have to find strength EVERY DAY. That’s not even the hard part though, the hard part is finding COMPASSION for yourself while also digging for that strength.
This has been my biggest weakness the past couple weeks. So I am writing today as a way to tell myself that it’s ok to have these feelings of weakness and that I’m doing a great job. I won’t always have a good day but I am a human being and a pretty decent one at that.
Thanks for reading and helping me have an outlet to remind myself of the good and to be less hard on myself.